i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
