We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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