dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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