I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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