I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
