Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
