I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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