I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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