Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
