maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
