watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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