first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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