I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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