I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
