My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
