I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
