i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
