Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
