peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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