i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
