I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
