I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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