did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Randomize
