I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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