dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
