life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it glows. i had to have it.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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