I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
