Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
