Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't deserve a penis
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
