My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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