You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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