I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
