just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
