thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
