I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
