She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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