Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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