Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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