I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
