broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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