3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
