Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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