dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
