just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
