i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
