you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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