I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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