i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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