There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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