theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
