Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
