I wish my penis had an off switch
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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